When Someone Close To You Dies

What is normal?
Bereavement is a uniquely personal event but there is a range of experiences which are commonly described. Your reaction to the bereavement will be affected by factors such as who the deceased person was, the nature of your attachment, the way they died, your previous losses, your own personality and social situation.  When someone is bereaved there really is no 'normal' and people react and deal with bereavement in many different ways.

Feelings

Sadness	Loneliness	Emancipation
Anger	Fatigue	Numbness
Guilt	Helplessness	Shock
Self-reproach	Anxiety	Yearning
Envy	Despair	Confusion
Relief	Panic	Preoccupation

 

As you can see from the above list, the range of feelings experienced is a wide one, so don’t be surprised or worried if your emotions are ‘all over the place’.  These feelings are a selection of what might be experienced and any combination is normal, it is also normal to feel stuck in one feeling or overwhelmed by many.  These feelings can change in the space of minutes or last or hours or days.

What is normal is that Grief is a human process of adaptation to a loss.

Physical Sensations
You may be surprised that an upsetting event can cause physical symptoms but it is quite common to have one or more of these symptoms in association to the feelings listed above.

Hollowness in the stomach	Tightness in the chest and/or throat
Oversensitivity to noise	A sense of unreality
Breathlessness	Dry mouth
Muscle weakness, lack of energy	Nausea
Shakes	Feeling unusually cold/hot

 

Behaviour

 

Sleep disturbances	Avoiding reminders of the deceased
Appetite disturbances	Searching and calling out
Absent-minded behaviour	Sighing
Social withdrawal	Periods of over activity/manic
Vivid dreams of the deceased	Crying

Once again it is important to remind yourself that these are all quite common changes which can occur during any stages of grief.

Some common questions answered...

Is it different when someone dies suddenly as compared to a death following a long illness?

There are some differences.  A sudden, unexpected death can cause shockwaves throughout a family and sometimes a whole community. Not only have you had no time to prepare yourself (what is sometimes called anticipatory grieving) but the world may suddenly seem a much more random, dangerous place.  The sense of loss may take longer to sink in simply because you need to get used to the fact that the death has occurred.  You may wonder if something could have been done by you or someone else to prevent this apparently inexplicable event.  You may also have regrets about unresolved aspects of your relationship with the person who has died.

Emotions may be particularly intense following a suicide, with feelings of anger or frustration towards the deceased, there may also be some guilt or shame about the situation.

However, even if your friend or relative has had a terminal illness, the death was anticipated and you felt you were prepared; you may still be intensely affected.  Grief is a human process of adaptation to loss, and often when experienced for the first time the intensity can be quite a shock.  No matter whether the loss was sudden or expected, most people who have a bond with the deceased will experience varying levels of grief.
 

What about when someone my own age dies?

The death of a friend or relative of the same age may also bring some of the same emotional reactions as the death of an older relative.  However the fact that your shared experiences may have occurred in familiar places that you continue to see daily gives an added dimension to the loss.  Other friends will also be grieving and your sense of your own mortality may be more acute than when someone of an older generation dies.  Consequently, a death can trigger a review of the meaning of your own life at a less than convenient time.  It is easy to put yourself in their 'shoes' when you can relate to them in this way.

How should I react – what is the “right” way to behave?

There is no set way of experiencing or reacting to these feelings. At times you may feel low and at other times find yourself laughing and joking.  Life goes on even after quite traumatic events so there is no need to feel guilty when you find yourself having to return to everyday activities.  Activity can be helpful as long as you allow time and space for reflection and feelings.  This is especially so if you were so close to someone that part of the bereavement process has to be a demerging of identities and you regaining an individual one.  Some people cry and find it helpful as part of their emotional journey, whilst others have difficulty in crying.  If you are unable to cry this does not mean that you are not dealing with it or in denial, the grieving journey is often defined by your general coping strategies.

What if I couldn’t be there?

For some people who are a long way from home, or had been working, it may have been impossible to return for the final days of an ill relative or the rituals which follow death.  In some cases the funeral and burial must take place quickly for religious or practical reasons and there isn't time for you to return home.  Missing out on these significant events may raise conflicting emotions in you. Some people say the reality of the loss doesn’t register until the funeral. Others say they feel a sense of guilt and further loss because they weren’t able to grieve with others in the shared experience. Sharing these feelings and perhaps finding a time and place to mark the death wherever you are may help you.

It is common for a family member to be present at the bedside of a dying relative for days and then find the relative dies whilst they step outside the room.
 

I feel sad, am I depressed?

Grief can cause you to have some of the symptoms of depression such as: sleep disturbance, appetite disturbance and intense sadness.  However, people who are clinically depressed usually experience a loss of self-esteem.  The loss of the loved person is associated with their own feelings of worthlessness, despair and a more prolonged period of impaired functioning.  If you are concerned that you may be depressed, you may find if helpful to talk through your concerns with your GP or a counsellor. 

How can I help myself?

Life can be demanding and whilst at times it may be a relief to be busy, at other times you may feel low and fearful that the demands will overwhelm you. Some people experience sleep problems, appetite changes, headaches, mood swings, difficulties in concentrating, or panic attacks. All this is quite normal. These symptoms usually settle down quickly, but if they persist there are a number of things you can do to help yourself.
 

• Take good care of yourself - try to eat a balanced diet, eat regularly even if you do not feel hungry, your body needs to burn calories for energy, and emotions burn energy.  Watch any increase in drinking, smoking or drug taking which could block out normal moods and feelings and which could increase problems with sleep or concentration; recall strategies that have successfully helped you through difficult times in the past; take one day at a time and don’t expect too much of yourself. 
• Talk  - try not to close yourself off from friends and people who care about you; let relevant people know that you may need extra time to meet deadlines; don't add to your concerns by closing down lines of communication and sources of help simply because you fear your friends will find you unrewarding to be with or overemotional.  Allow your friends or relatives to offer backup and support.  People around you may feel helpless and allowing them to help in simple ways let's them feel useful. 
• If what you are doing isn't working for you, don't just retreat, depressed. Some people feel they need a bit of extra help to get them through difficult times.  If you feel stuck, try contacting a source of support, maybe a friend, GP, work colleague and ask for help.  Some people see asking for help as a weakness; however it takes strength and courage to get help when you need it. 

Can a Counselling Service help?

Counselling Services may be able to help in a number of ways: 

• If you would like to clarify your thoughts and feelings with someone not directly involved.
• If you continue to feel bad and see no sign of improvement over time.
• If you have increased your use of drink or drugs in order to cope.
• If you are concerned about someone else’s reaction to bereavement and you are not sure how to help.

Can Chaplaincy help?

Religious representatives (from all denominations) support not only religious people but also ‘ordinary’ people trying to make meaning of life and death. They have much experience in these matters.  They will not try to convert you to their faith community, but will explore the subject of spirituality with you and what this means for you as an individual and what issue the death has raised for you.
 

Is there anything I can read which may help?

Yes. Because bereavement unfolds in phases yet is so unique too, reading can give excellent perspectives, understanding and therapy; therefore the reading list is rather comprehensive.  Most people find reading and counselling an excellent way forward.
 

Useful Contacts

The Samaritans      08457 90 9090
Cruse  (Bereavement)   Local Helpline   0870 167 1677
National Helpline  (0181) 332 7227